Official Home of Whiney McWhiney Pants

(stollen from a friend's MySpace bulletin)

*Before eating any food, drop it in a sandbox and lick a battery.

*Stack all your fans in one corner of the living room. Put on your most fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.

*Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.

*Get so drunk you can't recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the block for five hours.

*Have a 3 a.m. soul-baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you're hallucinating. Lust after Bugs Bunny.

*Pitch your tent next to the wall of speakers in a crowded, noisy club. Go to sleep.

*Read "Dhalgren" by Samuel R. Delany. Read "The City Not Long After" by Pat Murphy. Cut off the bindings, throw all the pages up in the air, and shuffle them back together. Reread "The Long City Not After Dhalgren" by Samuel Murphy. Burn it. Read the ashes.

*Pay an escort of your affectional preference to not bathe for five days, then cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, dance close naked, then say they have a lover back home.

*Tear down your house. Put it in a truck. Drive 10 hours in any direction. Put the house back together. Invite everyone you meet to come over and party. When everyone leaves, follow them back to their homes, drink all their booze, and break things.

*Lean back in a chair until that point where you're just about to fall over, but you catch yourself at the last moment. Hold that position for 9 hours.

*Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away. Drain all the water from the toilet. Only flush it every 4 days. Hide all the toilet paper.

*Visit a restaurant and pay them to let you alternate lying in the walk-in freezer and sitting in the oven.

*Don't sleep for 5 days. Take a wide variety of mind-altering substances. Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

*Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body. Forget how you did it. Don't go to a doctor.

*Buy a new pair of favorite shoes. Throw one shoe away.

*Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect, most outrageous costume. Forget to pack it.

*Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire. Play a short loop of drum'n'bass until the embers are cold.

*Mail $200 to the Reno casino of your choice.

*Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali's more disturbing but beautiful paintings. Climb inside it.

*Spend thousands of dollars on a deeply personal art work. Hide it in a funhouse on the edge of the city. Blow it up.

Are you throwing or attending a holiday party this year?  Any ideas/tips to share?

Two words.  Cheez Log.